Is Fighting The Key to a Happy Marriage?
A recent article in the Wall Street Journal explains research which seems to indicate that it isn’t if a couple fights, but rather how the couple fights which determines if the relationship is going well.
Some of the factors that can help gauge if your fights are healthy include, where, when, the tone and what words were used. It is also important to hear the other side out, and not just ignore the other person’s side of the dispute.
At first, this may seem counter-intuitive. How can something that feels so strongly negative be a positive force in a relationship?
Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family studies seems to give the missing logical piece when he says, “All couples disagree- it’s how they disagree that makes the difference… You can get angry, but it’s important to talk without fighting.”
It seems like an important cognitive step to take in order to understand this idea. If you are going to disagree with your significant other, and you accept that, then you also have to accept that you need to find a healthy way to encounter your disagreements.
The experts that came up with this idea also have some surprising forms of conflict classified as disagreement. There is no distinction made between “arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging… They’re all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.”
One of the keys to moving past the negative forms of conflict is learning to talk to the other person. The longer an individual waits to bring up a conflict, the more likely it is that the confrontation is going to turn ugly.
Another good piece of advice is a time limit. When a dispute arises, the couple should agree to give it a set time, like 15 minutes for example, and take turns explaining their side of the dispute.
This style, known as the “speaker-listener technique” is supposed to help keep the parties relaxed, and make the confrontation more cordial.
Disagreements are inevitable, but the no-holds barred argument that can be all-too common is not. Understanding that disagreements will happen, and should happen is an important first step. Then finding the best way to express your point of view, while giving your significant other ample opportunity for his or her view point is also important.
Next time you and your other get in a fight, try to keep some of these tips in mind. It just might be the fix you need to turn your painful and insulting fights into healthy and refreshing discussions.
