A recent study suggests that parents’ handling of a divorce determines whether their children are adversely affected by it—not the divorce itself—according to a recent report in the International Herald Tribune.

The study, which gathered information over the course of several years on 416 children between the ages of four and 18, found that children experience behavioral problems after divorce only when their parents fail to handle their separation in a loving, mature manner.

The researchers observed 214 children whose parents had been divorced, and compared that group with a control group of 202 children whose parents were still married.

And, according to Priscila Comino, who led the study as part of her doctoral thesis at a European university, “[i]t is not divorce in itself that can lead to problems in children. It is the divorce linked to inter-parental conflict, a lack of co-parenting and an unsuitable family climate.”

So, according to the study, divorcing parents who have children should recognize their children do not have to face extra behavioral difficulties that are not faced by children of similar ages whose parents have not been divorced.

The key, it seems, is to eliminate negative factors from a divorce, particularly conflicts between parents and efforts by one parent to make the other look bad in front of their children.

While it can often be difficult for parents to approach divorce with a positive attitude, they must at least remain civil for the benefit of their children. After a divorce, parents don’t have to be best friends, but a bit of friendliness goes a long way, especially in the eyes of children.

In addition to minimizing conflicts, the study also warned parents to try to keep their children’s daily routines as steady as possible. Dramatic shifts in a child’s daily schedule can cause unwanted behavioral issues, according to the study.

And parents with their own psychological issues—even if they are only mild or if they are short-term symptoms of the divorce—should seek professional treatment in order to avoid having a negative impact on their kids.

Typically, only when parents fail to approach divorce in a health manner do children suffer an unfair burden during a divorce.

If your children exhibit symptoms like introversion, depression, attention problems, or delinquent behavior after a divorce, you and your ex-spouse may wish to seek counseling to help your children cope with their divorce-related issues.

While divorce courts can help parents sort out financial issues like child support and child custody, they cannot help families approach divorce in a psychologically healthy manner. This, of course, is solely up to the parents themselves.

So, the lesson from the study is that divorce doesn’t have to be psychologically damaging for children, but parents must treat themselves and their children with patience and respect after a separation.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

Divorced women may be able to earn higher Social Security payments, but they must be aggressive in giving notice of their different life circumstances to the federal government, according to a recent column in the Wall Street Journal.

The column urges children to help their elderly parents make the most of their Social Security entitlements, including taking advantage of higher payments after a divorce filing.

According to the Journal, if a woman has been divorced or has married more than once, or even if her husband delayed receiving his Social Security money, she may be able to receive larger payments, which can make a huge difference for older women on fixed or limited incomes.

Typically, women will receive news about the Social Security effects of their divorce from their divorce attorny, but this may not be true for women who filed for divorce several years ago, or did not seek the aid of an attorney.

And, it should be noted, the rule listed below apply to men, as well, but since women typically earn less than men, especially amongst older populations, the rules more often apply to women.

First, senior citizens should know that a person can collect Social Security payments based on his or her own earning history, or receive 50% of a spouse’s benefit, if it is greater than the other spouse’s income.

Divorce, of course, complicates things a bit. In brief, a divorced woman can receive benefits from her ex-spouse if the marriage lasted for more than ten years and the woman remains unmarried when she collects the benefits.

The marriage limitation, though, does not apply if the woman seeking to receive benefits linked to her ex-spouse gets married after 60 (this seems an odd exemption, and it may reveal some cultural and age bias within Social Security laws).

In addition to these rules, a senior citizen need not have any relationship with her ex-spouse; if she is entitled to receive these benefits, her prior marriage is the only proof she will need. In addition, her ability to collect extra benefits does not hinge on whether her former husband remarried—this simply does not matter in most cases.

Of course, while these rules are intended to help women on fixed incomes who were once divorced, some women are reluctant to attempt to collect extra benefits for a variety of cultural and ethical reasons.

Women, however, should know that applying for benefits based on an ex-spouse’s past earnings is a perfectly legitimate step, and they should not hesitate to ask a financial professional or attorney about the potential benefits of such a decision.

The laws allowing the receipt of these benefits were created because they were seen to serve an important public policy, so divorced woman should feel at ease when applying for the benefits.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

A bizarre lawsuit over allegedly shoddy wedding photos has taken another strange twist as the groom continues to demand a new photo shoot, despite the fact that he and his wife finalized their divorce several months ago.

Several years ago, 44-year-old Todd Remis filed a lawsuit against H&H Photography, claiming that the New York studio should pay for Remis and his bride to recreate their wedding because the initial round of photos were subpar.

Among his several complaints, Remis alleged that the photography did not stay for all the important wedding events, and that the studio refused to abide by their promise to touch-up the photos after the wedding, according to a report from the Associated Press.

The lawsuit quickly gained national attention, as television anchors and newspapers mocked the groom for his perceived oversensitivity to the wedding photos, which were taken as part of a wedding that cost roughly $50,000.

To make matters more bizarre, Remis has continued to demand that the studio pay to recreate his wedding, despite the sad truth that Remis and his ex-wife, a younger Latvian woman named Milena Grzibovska, filed for divorce in 2008.

The couple’s divorce was finalized in 2010, and Remis believes that his former spouse has moved back to her native Latvia.

Nevertheless, in a recent deposition, Remis still said, “I need to have the wedding recreated exactly as it was so the remaining 15 percent of the wedding that was not shot can be shot.” And, under his reasoning, “we would need to recreate everything to complete that.”

Of course, it would seem that “everything” would include the now-departed bride, who would probably not be keen on flying halfway around the world to reenact a wedding with her former spouse.

Despite the obvious hurdles Remis faces in the reenactment of his wedding, he also faces long odds in court, as several letters to the judge provide convincing evidence in favor of H&H Photography.

As the co-founder of the studio put it in a letter to the court, the subsequent divorce “renders the further demands for photos, etc., ridiculous.”

Indeed, the demand does seem ridiculous, but it may be motivated more by money than sentiment. Sources indicate that Remis initially failed to pay more than $1,000 in fees demanded by the studio, which threatened to send the bill to a collection agency if Remis failed to pay.

Shortly after this threat, Remis filed his lawsuit, which contains numerous allegations of shoddy photography and unprofessional conduct by employees of the studio.

The tone of reports on the matter suggest that Remis will likely not win the case outright, although it appears that both sides may be open to settling.

In the future, one hopes that Remis will attempt to recover from the emotion pain of his divorce by using less litigious strategies.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

A new study found that getting a divorce may lead to an earlier death, but experts are quick to note that this study does not conclusively prove that seeking a divorce is bad for a person’s health.

According to a recent report in the Detroit Free Press, a study conducted by the University of Arizona found that divorced adults have a higher risk of early death than adults who are married.

The study was essentially a review of more than 30 other studies that had been conducted on the matter, as the researchers in Arizona merged the various findings together in an empirically sound manner.

The researchers found that adults who have been divorced were 23 percent more likely to die an early death than similar adults who were married. Shockingly, the researchers found that divorce may be just as dangerous as smoking, drinking heavily, being overweight, or failing to exercise.

Of course, despite these staggering statistics, researchers warned that their work did not conclusively find a link between poor health and divorce, and cautioned that their work did have some flaws.

For example, the various studies followed divorced and married couples for only 11 years, which may not offer a long enough time period to draw such conclusions. In addition, only a limited amount of people were surveyed, which does minimize the results of the study a bit.

In response, though, supporters of the study will observe that the researchers tracked several million people in 11 different countries, which supports their claim that an adequate number of people were tracked, despite the limited geographic scope of the studies.

The study, which is deemed “meta-analysis,’ or the study of studies, examined existing evidence culled over the course of three decades to draw its broader conclusions about divorce and poor health.

The researchers also cautioned that, despite the apparent risk of poor health, many people who obtain a divorce end up happier than they were before the separation.

According to the survey, most divorced people report high levels of satisfaction after their divorces and almost 75 percent end up remarrying.

However, despite the high rate of success, roughly 10 percent of people who file for divorce report that they struggle with serious health issues, perhaps due to depression or other forms of mental anguish.

Researchers believe that these unhappy divorced people account for a significant portion of the people who experience serious health problems after a divorce.

Finally, the researchers also cautioned that divorce seemed to have a disproportionate impact on men, as 31 percent of men has an increased risk for early death after divorce, compared with only 18 percent of women.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

For the last century of American life, traditional marriages have looked very similar across the cultural spectrum—one man married one woman and that was it. Today, though, marriage and divorce trends are dramatically changing.

Of course, the most notable modern alteration is the introduction of gay marriage in a handful of states. Other states, too, offer civil unions to gay and lesbian couples. While these unions are not exactly equivalent to marriage, they offer same-sex couples many of the benefits of traditional marriage.

Perhaps a more controversial trend, though, has begun to surface. According to a recent report from ABC News, polyamory—or, the love of many—has become more common in American households.

Polyamorous families come in many shapes and sizes, but they typically involve the addition of at least a third partner to a relationship. And many of these unique families are trying to tweak marriage and divorce laws so that they can all be united (and sometimes separated) in a single partnership.

One of the largest advocacy groups for the controversial practice of polyamory is called Loving More. This group is headquartered in Loveland, Colorado, and it publishes a magazine for practitioners of polyamory.

The group was founded in 1985, and it also holds retreats and conventions for people friendly to its cause. According to its own resources, the group has roughly 45,000 members, which shows that this practice may not be a passing fad.

A spokesperson from Loving More claims that polyamory is significantly more popular than most people estimate, but that the group has had a hard time gathering accurate statistics because the U.S. census does not ask about multiple relationships.

The cause also has some celebrity supporters, such as Oscar-winning actress Mo’Nique, who recently told an ABC interviewer that she and her husband have an open relationship that allows them to seek romantic partners outside their marriage.

Proponents of polyamory also defend spiritual and emotional value of the practice, and disagree with critics who claim that open marriages are simply an excuse to seek casual sex. They also claim that open marriages are not easy.

In fact, one woman who lives with two men claim that polyamory can be more challenging than traditional marriages because “finding three people to get along and commit is not easy.”

Despite the relative normalcy of many open marriages, some observers are concerned about the effect of the novel relationships on children.

Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist at Georgia State University, studied the effects of polyamorous relationships on children, and believes that children can thrive in these non-traditional households, as long as the family is “stable and loving.”

The definition of “stable and loving,” though, seems to be a bit amorphous, and Sheff also cautions that children in these families may face inordinate amounts of teasing and criticism at school.

Nevertheless, these relationships may continue to grow more popular, and as they do, marriage laws may have to adjust to recognize the shifting trends.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

While the holidays don’t seem like the best time to begin thinking about divorce, January is the month that typically sees the highest volume of divorce filings. And, if you’re considering seeking a divorce in January or at any time next year, it’s never too early to start planning.

In anticipation of a divorce, a recent article in Forbes magazine offered an end-of-the-year checklist for women who are considering the possibility of filing a divorce in 2012.

First, the article recommends that women begin gathering all their important financial documents, including bank statements (in paper or electronic form), mortgage documents, credit card bills, and the like.

In addition, Forbes advises women to do this discretely, particularly if they are keeping their plans secret. Women might want to conceal these documents in a safe or give them to a friend for temporary safekeeping.

Next, the author recommends obtaining a recent copy of your credit report. This will let you know the status of your own financial health, and will also reveal if your husband is using joint funds for illicit purposes.

Forbes also tells women to begin researching their options for professional help with the impending divorce. The holidays provide a golden opportunity for women to check local listings for a divorce lawyer in their area.

Because of the complexity of state divorce law, many women seek the aid of a divorce lawyer during the process. Remember, too, that both parties in a divorce are usually advised to obtain separate lawyers, because the representation of both spouses by one attorney usually raises a conflict of interest.

Perhaps most importantly, women who are mulling the possibility of divorce should prepare themselves by starting to create their own financial independence. An important step towards reaching this goal is to begin to open new accounts in your name only.

If you wish, you can remain discrete and open a personal account at a different bank from the one you and your husband currently use. In addition, women should consider opening a new credit card in their name, as well, in addition to the checking or savings account.

Finally, the Forbes article also suggests that women should remain vigilant. The article, on a bit of a pessimistic note, says that women considering divorce should be wary of their husbands’ use of joint accounts, particularly if they are using joint funds for unsavory purposes.

So, if you are unhappily married and looking for a fresh start, don’t treat the holidays as wasted time. Over the Christmas season, you can begin taking steps to free yourself financially and prepare for the major changes typically brought on by divorce.

And remember that you must advocate for yourself in order to leave divorce in the best possible financial shape. And good advocacy requires plenty of careful planning, even before divorce proceedings even begin.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

For divorced parents who are stressed about making sure their children enjoy the holiday season, a recent article in the Poughkeepsie Journal offers an enlightening bit of perspective on preserving holiday cheer for children after a divorce.

First, the author advises parents to remember that the holidays should be focused on their children, rather than being centered on old grudges or misplaced animosity between the former spouses.

In order to avoid angry episodes between parents who simply cannot get along, some experts suggest that the parents should have family members or friends transport their children from one house to another, to avoid unnecessary face-to-fact contact with a hostile ex-spouse.

Even if this involves asking for a favor, or operating less efficiently, avoiding potential fights will help preserve your children’s enjoyment of the holidays.

Another method to help avoid potential disputes is to plan ahead. By setting a mutual timetable for when each child is with each parent over the holidays, parents may be able to avoid disputes about timing that can arise when plans aren’t made ahead of time.

There’s nothing worse than the surprise absence of a child from a family gathering, so planning for the holidays ahead of time could help preserve a lot of holiday sanity.

In addition, divorced parents of children should also discuss each other’s expectations regarding gifts. Some parents may treat the holidays as an opportunity to one-up their ex-spouse, but such actions are ultimately detrimental for children.

By agreeing on a certain price range for gifts, parents can avoid trying to outshine each other. Of course, if one parent is paying significantly more in child support each month, the effect of this financial obligation may also play a role in the financial discussion.

After you have decided on a reasonable range of gifts for your children, make sure that you and your ex-spouse discuss this decision with extended families. Your relatives may also try to compete with the other family, and this could undermine your efforts to treat your children as kids, not as pawns.

And, finally, parents may want to consider keeping their children together as they visit each parent, rather than splitting them up.

Some experts believe that children prefer to remain with their siblings over the holidays as they see each parent. By keeping the children together, they may have a stronger sense that their family remains intact, despite mom and dad’s separate living arrangements.

The holidays can be incredibly stressful times for parents who are not divorce. Adding marital separation and children to the equation only makes things more complicated.

By planning ahead, communicating with an ex-spouse, and keeping the children’s best interests in mind, parents may be able to save the holidays from becoming a disaster.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

In a novel move that some American companies would be well-advised to adopt, several British law firms have begun paying for their employees’ divorce filings in an effort to ease the difficult marital transition.

According to a recent report from the United Kingdom Press Association, the last five years have seen a “marked increase” in the willingness of small law firms to help fund some or all of their workers’ divorces.

The trend, though, does not seem to have struck larger firms or corporations, as smaller firms seem to feel the emotional pull of a divorce more strongly due to their more intimate environment.

Of course, paying for an employee’s divorce is not simply a matter of helping out a friend in need. On the contrary, these small firms are making a calculated economic decision.

Sources indicate that, in Britain, some divorces may last up to 18 months, which can have a heavy emotional and financial drain on employees. And, when employees are worried about child support or alimony, they have less energy to devote to their work.

So, by paying for some or all of a worker’s divorce expenses, these pioneering small firms believe that they will make that employee more productive, thereby saving the business money in the long run.

According to the Press Association Report, the “paternalistic” trend of employer-funded divorces was non-existent five years ago. The recent recession, however, changed many firms’ attitudes towards funding employee divorces.

As the recession took its toll on firms’ bottom lines, small companies faced stiffer competition for their most talented employees.
In an effort to keep gifted workers during the recession, smaller firms had to find creative ways to keep key talent. And bonuses, promises of lengthy tenures, and other perks only go so far.

So, to sweeten the pot for prized employees, businesses decided to give them a boost during divorce proceedings.

As a senior associate at one British firm put it, given the current economic climate, small businesses “can ill afford such distractions, especially if the individuals involved are senior and important to a business’s fortunes.”

Of course, the divorce payments are not unlimited. Most firms make a detailed list of the potential savings they will accrue from assisting an employee’s divorce, and spent that much money on the case.

And, as British firms show that this strategy can reap some rewards, American businesses may soon start helping out their employees who are looking to end their marriages.

In addition, American businesses may also offer legal aid for employees who are facing other disruptive life events, like civil lawsuits, medical emergencies, or family deaths.

Such aid, however, might be limited to small businesses, just as it is overseas. On average, smaller firms are more likely to see real benefits from offering legal assistance to their workers.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

Many people who have gone through the divorce process exit the proceedings owing their spouses some form of alimony or maintenance payments.

Undoubtedly, these payments serve as a nuisance for many divorcees. There are, however, strategies you can take to minimize the impact of your financial losses, according to a recent report from Business Insider.

First, the article notes that alimony payments are often tax deductible. In other words, each alimony payment may be subtracted from your total income each fiscal year. In addition, the spouse that receives the alimony payments must usually include qualify those as income each year.

In addition, the author observes that former married couples should make sure to file separate tax returns. If the ex-spouse who is responsible for making spousal support payments files with the other ex-spouse, he or she may lose the significant tax advantages of a separate filing.

Next, if the paying spouse is still living with the other spouse, their shared household expenses—like utilities, mortgage payments, and the like—may also prove to be a tax burden. So, after divorce, living separately may save the paying spouse a lot of money.

Another interesting piece of information relates to the form of alimony payments. Checks, money orders, or cash may be the optimal form of payment because other methods, such as transfers of property, are not tax deductible.

Further, alimony payments do not always have to be made directly to your ex-spouse to qualify as spousal support. In fact, payments made to third parties, such as mortgage lenders or attorneys, on behalf of an ex-spouse often count as alimony payments.

In addition, payments made for an ex-spouse’s medical care, taxes, tuition, and other costs may also be viewed as legitimate alimony expenses.

One caveat, though, with these third-party payments is that the non-paying spouse must usually agree in writing before the transaction that the payment is being made for alimony purposes. And, this waiver must be returned before a divorcee includes that payment in his or her tax filing.

Divorcees should also note that child support does not usually count towards alimony payments for tax purposes. The Internal Revenue Service pays close attention to filers who attempt to mix child support and alimony, so be wary of making such mistakes.

With these tips in mind, remember that divorce laws vary widely by state. As a result, different states may treat various alimony problems in widely disparate ways.

With careful planning, though, people who have recently left divorce can manage their child support and alimony payments so that those monthly payments do not cripple them financially.

Alimony and maintenance are designed to help one spouse maintain his or her quality of life, not necessarily to punish the other spouse. As a result, tax laws do make an effort to protect the ex-spouse who is responsible for making alimony payments.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.

When many people file for divorce, the couple will present various forms of evidence in an effort to prove that one spouse is better suited than the other to take care of their children.

This evidence usually takes the form of testimony from friends and family, or evidence of past instances in which the parent served as either a positive or negative influence in the life of the children.

Rarely, though, have investigations into a parent’s fitness to be a legal guardian required snooping into social networking websites. A recent case, however, showed that relying on social networking information in child custody disputes may soon become more common in U.S. divorce courts.

According to a report from Forbes magazine, a divorcing couple in Connecticut was recently ordered by a judge to hand over their passwords to Facebook and other social networking websites.

Sources indicate that Stephen and Courtney Gallion have been engaged in a contentious dispute over who should have custody of their children.

In similar cases, each person’s divorce lawyer will often look at the opposing part’s Facebook page in order to glean some information about their social habits.

This information, in turn, is often presented to a divorce judge to serve as evidence of one party’s fitness to be a parent. Potentially negative information that attorneys may find on websites like Facebook includes evidence of drinking habits, dating tendencies, and other lifestyle factors.

The judge in the Gallion case, however, took the relatively extreme step of forcing both parties to hand over their passwords, which theoretically allows each spouse to learn information that may be concealed from public view.

According to Stephen Gallion’s attorney, the husband allegedly found incriminating evidence on his wife Courtney’s computer that shows she is unfit to be a parent. Shortly thereafter, Stephen asked Courtney for her passwords to her Facebook account, as well as two accounts on dating websites.

Courtney obliged, but she soon texted a friend and asked her to delete potentially harmful information on her dating accounts. After these shenanigans, the divorce judge stepped in and issued an injunction preventing both parties from altering their online profiles during the divorce proceedings.

Oddly, while the judge ordered the password swap, such an action actually violates Facebook’s privacy policy, which forbids users from sharing passwords with each other.

The judge may not have recognized that his order violated the company’s terms of service, but he did warn the Gallions that they were not to tamper with each other’s Facebook information. The password swap was strictly to allow Courtney and Stephen to view each other’s information, not change it.

So, while the Gallions continue to fight their way through court, other couples thinking about divorce might be wise to watch what information they put on Facebook, lest it be used against them in court.

Copyright © 2010 TotalDivorce, LLC. (as licensee). All rights reserved.