Debbie Does Divorce

Money has always been a sore spot for many couples, even a major reason in divorce. With the recession in full swing, it has become an even bigger issue for many.

You may feel like all you and your spouse do is argue about money, but maybe that’s a good thing…

In a recent blog post featured on the Clear Bankruptcy Blog, reasons were presented for why a couple may want to discuss money issues.

Although you may be able to push money problems under the rug for a little while, eventually the troubles will pile up enough that you can no longer ignore the issue.

Read more on why it might be a good idea to tackle money issues head on: Why Couples Should Argue about Money.

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Whether you’ve had the distressing news broken to you, had to fess up to your wandering hands or watched a cheat scene on TV, you are familiar with some of the more popular reasons people chose to cheat.

There’s no denying it, cheating isn’t flattering and can bring some pain, but there are also some cheating excuses that leave us all scratching our heads: Did they really just use that as their reasoning for cheating?

While I don’t think it’s wise to try having the best of both – or many – worlds, here are some lame lines you shouldn’t use after getting caught:

1. “I’m reformed now”

People thought you couldn’t have a much more beautiful couple than Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but that was before Law got caught having a fling with the couple’s nanny. After committing a common adultery cliche in 2005, Law told The Daily Telegraph that he didn’t regret cheating because it helped him change his ways.

2. “It’s part of my work responsibilities”

After 19 years of marriage to karate instructor Dorothea Hurley, Jon Bon Jovi told a reporter in 2006 that “infidelity is part of the job.” He admitted to having “lapses” with many women through the years – “welcome to the music business.”

3. “I needed some alone time”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford made his affair with Argentinian mistress Maria Belen Chapur public earlier this summer. Originally he said he would be hitting the Appalachian Trail for some “alone time,” but he was found in Argentina. He said it was on a whim to visit someplace “exotic,” but it turns out he was there for more than just the scenery.

4 & 5. “Well, really it depends on how you define cheating” & “Because I could”

Former President Bill Clinton’s excuses hold two spots on my list. When the affair with his 24-year-old intern, Monica Lewinsky, first broke, Clinton swore, “I did not have relations with that woman.” But when he finally broke down and fessed up to the public about his affair, he said the nature of his relationship with Lewinsky depended on “what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” Clinton later excused his sexual relationship with Lewinsky with a “because…I could” to Dan Rather on 60 Minutes.

6. “I was just trying to help”

In 1997 Eddie Murphy was found in his SUV with a transvestite prostitute. Murphy told the tabloids, “It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out.” He continued on to say, “I’ve seen hookers on corners and I’ll pull over, and they’ll go ‘Oh you’re Eddie Murphy, oh my god,’ and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.” In this particular instance, Murphy told his wife that he “stopped to help a person crying.”

7. “I needed acknowledgments of my achievements”

Former supermodel Christie Brinkley’s husband admitted to cheating on his wife in 2006 with his assistant – a teenager. Peter Cook told Barbara Walters in a 20/20 interview that he felt unappreciated. “A little acknowledgment, a little attention, a little thank you every now and then for my efforts.”

8 & 9 & 10. “No husband is faithful to his wife” & “Men are good lovers when they are betraying their wives” & “I have a headache”

JFK was known for being a great president whose life ended all too quickly. Besides a honorable reputation in politics, many rumors also swirled about who the president kept company with in his bedroom. JFK had excuses from every side of the story. His wife, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, once was quoted as saying that there wasn’t such a thing as a faithful husband. Marilyn Monroe, one of Kennedy’s rumored mistresses, said cheating men make the best lovers. And JFK himself told former British prime minister Harold Macmilan that he got headaches if he wasn’t with a woman every three days. Even with multiple excuses, the reasoning seems lame.

Sources: momlogic.com, MSN Lifestyle & Book of Famous Quotes

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Movies are a great way to unwind from our hectic lives, and they often highlight some of the same challenges we face. We see ourselves becoming heroes or falling in love, just like the characters on the big screen.

Movies can even make divorce look glamorous. I’ve highlighted some pretty good movies that I think do a good job showcasing different aspects of divorce.

1. The War of the Roses (1989)

Starring: Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito

After a whirlwind romance, the Roses start to build their fantasy life: a prosperous career for Oliver (Douglas) and the perfect material possession to fill their dream home. The fantasy doesn’t last long and after filing for divorce, neither Oliver nor Barbara (Turner) want to give up the dream home they have built together. Their divorce battle grows heated. Throughout the movie, Oliver’s divorce lawyer (DeVito) discusses an important lesson learned on how far a divorce can go if you let it.

2. The Squid and the Whale (2005)

Starring: Owen Kline, Jeff Daniels, Laura Linney and Jesse Eisenberg

It’s 1986 in Brooklyn, NY when Bernard (Daniels) and Joan (Linney) divorce, driven apart by jealousy. The couple’s two teenage sons are left to form new relationships with their parents and quickly take sides. Walt (Eisenberg) stays with his father, and Frank (Kline) lives with his mom. The movie spins the tale of how the parents’ dysfunctional lives affect their two sons.

3. The First Wives Club (1996)

Starring: Goldie Hawn, Bette Midler and Diane Keaton

After meeting up again at a college friend’s funeral, three divorced women decide to take revenge on their husbands who left them for younger wives. Since these women helped their men climb the financial ladder of success, they decided to hit ‘em where it hurts. Although I don’t recommend getting nasty with revenge, justice can make for a good laugh.

4. Waiting to Exhale (1995)

Starring: Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, Loretta Devine

This story follows the lives of four African American women as they deal with the ups and downs of life. Although these women are successful in their careers, they have trouble with love because they pursue stereotypes and bad habits. These four friends’ lives take different directions, but they find that their friendship is what helps them through the challenges of relationships, careers and family.

5. Stepmom (1998)

Starring: Julia Roberts, Susan Sarandon and Ed Harris

After Jackie (Sarandon) and Luke (Harris) divorce, their children have to deal with the fact that their father has found another woman, Isabel (Roberts). The children, Anna and Ben, follow the example set by their mother and give their second mother a lot of trouble. But when Jackie is diagnosed with a terminal illness, the family must figure out a way to coexist. The movie spins the tale of a blended family learning to accept one another.

6. The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

Starring: Matthew Perry, Bruce Willis and Amanda Peet

Although Nick ‘Oz’ Oseransk (Perry) isn’t happy in his marriage, he’s in for a shock when he finds out his wife is hiring a hit man to get rid of him. Enter Jimmy The Tulip (Willis), a Chicago hit man, who ratted out some members of the mob as a bargaining chip with law enforcement. Although this comedy is about an unsuspecting man getting caught up with both sides of the mob, it highlights the twists and turns of marriage and divorce.

7. One Fine Day (1996)

Starring: Michelle Pfeiffer and George Clooney

Two divorced parents meet during a morning mix up with their children. Jack (Clooney) and Melanie (Pfeiffer) end up spending the day together when the mix up causes the children to miss a class field trip. In the beginning, the two assume each other has the same negative stereotypes as their exes, but by the end of the day, they are brought together as they work to watch the children and keep their jobs. A cute comedy about leaving the past behind and preparing for love in the future.

8. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)

Starring: Robin Williams, Sally Field and Pierce Brosnan

Daniel Hillard (Williams) gets hit with it all: He loses his job, gets divorced and isn’t granted child custody. In order to spend some time with his children, without his ex-wife (Field) knowing, Hillard dresses up like an old nanny and interviews for a position to care for the children. The plan works, until Hillard meets his wife’s new beau, Stu (Brosnan). A cute comedy for adults and kids alike about family life after divorce.

9. Kramer vs. Kramer (1979)

Starring: Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep

Ted Kramer (Hoffman) always let his work come before his family. Joanna (Streep) soon gets tired of coming second and leaves Ted with their son, Billy. Ted must learn to balance his career, while taking care of the home, his child and himself. Just as Ted is getting it all figured out, Joanna comes back for Billy. But Ted refuses to give up his so the two head to court. This drama, focusing on the battle for child custody, won five Oscars.

10. Along Came Polly (2004)

Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Ben Stiller, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Debra Messing

Reuben Feffer (Stiller) had the perfect life planned out with his new wife, Lisa (Messing), until he found her cheating on him during the honeymoon. Devastated, Feffer returns home and runs into a former classmate, Polly (Aniston). Feffer tries to date the free-spirited Polly, but Lisa shows up, asking for Feffer to take her back. This quarky comedy shows how life doesn’t always end up the way we planned it, as Feffer decides whether to keep on the uncertain path with Polly or go back to his dream with a cheating wife.

Source: IMDB

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

After Michael Welsh’s second marriage ended in a messy divorce, he decided to start a social networking site centered around divorce.

Divorcenetwork.com launched in March of this year. Since then, Divorce Network gets about 6,000 unique visitors a week or 25,000 a month.

The site focuses on different aspects of divorce, including contemplation or break-up, divorce proceedings and life after divorce.

In the Marriage Break Up section, readers can get tips on marriage counseling, deciding to divorce and infidelity. There is also a section featuring the latest Hollywood splits.

The Divorce Proceedings section can help members find resources regarding filing divorce, child custody, alimony and more.  Read breaking news about all things divorce.

People can embrace divorce by reading articles related to divorce parties, dating, parenting, home buying, etc… in the Life After Divorce section.

Divorce Network is designed to give people a place to get advice about divorce and separation, but the main reason for creating the network is to give men and women the opportunity to talk with others who are experiencing or have survived divorce too.

“Eventually your friends get tired of hearing you talk about your divorce,” Welsh told Cleveland.com “This gives you another channel to do that.”

Source: Divorce Network, Cleveland.com

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Divorce isn’t cheap. Many stories have reported that since the recession, couples can’t afford to divorce so they are holding out until times improve.

But the rich and famous who aren’t troubled with money problems, are still setting record divorce settlements.

We may not be able to accurately list the top 10 most expensive divorce settlements because of undisclosed, high-profile cases, such as the 2009 divorce settlement of Mel Gibson and Robyn Moore which is supposedly the most expensive in Hollywood history; however, the following divorces still boast some of the most staggering amounts:

1. Rupert and Anna Murdoch

Although their divorce was finalized more than 10 years ago, it’s still the most expensive divorce settlement in history. The divorce cost the media tycoon $1.7 billion dollars, including $110 million in cash. Rupert and Anna had been married for 32 years and had three children together. According to the 2009 “Forbes 400,” Rupert, 78,  is now worth $4 billion, making him the 132nd richest person in the world.

2. Adnan and Soraya Khashoggi

Reports state that the Saudi billionaire’s divorce settlement from his United Kingdom born wife reached $874 million. The couple married when Adnan was only 15, and during the 13-year marriage, Soraya was the international arms dealer’s business partner and mother of the couple’s five children. Adnan was once reported to have been worth $4 billion but has lost his billionaire status.

3. Craig and Wendy McCaw

Only a year after selling his cellular company to AT&T for roughly $11-12 billion dollars in 1994, Craig found himself paying Wendy $460 million in a divorce settlement.  Craig and Wendy married in 1974, after she tutored him at Stanford University. The settlement, which was mostly Nextel stock, rocketed Wendy to a spot on Forbes’ 400 Richest Americans in 1998, but she fell off in 2000.

4. Robert and Shelia Johnson

Robert Johnson made history in 2000 by becoming the first African American billionaire. Robert Johnson co-founded Black Entertainment Television with his then-wife Shelia Crump. Three years later, the couple divorced.  After receiving a divorce settlement of $400 million, Crump became the first African American female billionaire. She is now valued at $400 million and is married to the judge that presided over her divorce. Johnson is worth $550 million, according to Forbes.

5. Roman and Irina Abramovich

Roman and Irina met in the 1990s, before Roman made his fortune in oil. Roman is also Chukotka governor and owner of the Chelsea soccer club. The couple spent 15 years together and had five children. In 2007 Roman settled his divorce from Irina for $300 million and four homes in the United Kingdom. He was able to have the divorce finalized in Russia, which saved him millions. If the divorce had been finalized in Britain, Irina would have been entitled to half the assets. Forbes named Abramovich the 15th wealthiest man in 2008 with a fortune of $23.5 billion.

6. Michael and Juanita Jordan

In 1989, Michael Jordan and Juanita Vanoy married after Jordan signed an eight-year contract with the Chicago Bulls for $25 million. He was also earning $30 million a year in endorsement deals, making his total earnings $350 million during the marriage. After 17 years of marriage and three children, the couple divorced.  She received $168 million in the divorce settlement. In 2009, Forbes estimated Jordan’s wealth at $525 million, making him the fourth wealthiest African American in the country.

7. Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey

Neil Diamond and Marcia Murphey married in 1969 before the release of his golden record Touching You, Touching Me. By the 1970s, Diamond made about $14 million a year, as one of the most successful musicians. Murphey filed for divorce in 1994, citing irreconcilable differences. She received $150 million – half of Diamond’s fortune -in the divorce settlement. The settlement averaged out to about $5.5 million for each of the 25 years the couple was together.

8. Steven Spielberg and Amy Irving

Steven Spielberg and Amy Irving met when she auditioned for his file Close Encounters of the Third Kind. In 1985, the couple married after Spielberg’s success with the first of the Indiana Jones movies and ET. The couple divorced just four years later. During the divorce, Irving successfully contested that the prenuptial agreement they signed on a napkin wasn’t valid because she didn’t have legal representation. She was awarded $100 million, about half of what Spielberg was worth at the time. Spielberg is currently estimated to be worth $3 billion.

9. Madonna and Guy Ritchie

The couple met in 1999 through Sting and his wife, Trudie. They were married in December of 2000, and eight years later, after the birth of their son, the couple filed for divorce. Many remember the recent tabloid stories about Madonna’s supposed affair with Alex Rodriguez and Ritchie’s “free man” attitude. Whether the rumors were true or not, Madonna payed Ritchie somewhere between $72 and 90 million, including the couple’s home and pub in England. The couple disputes the different amounts, but currently, it is the largest payout by a female divorcee.

10. Harrison Ford and Melissa Mathison

Harrison Ford and Melissa Mathison met in 1977 and married in 1983. By 1989, Ford was one of the highest paid actors, making $7 million for Presumed Innocent, and he was making $20 million a movie in 1995. The couple divorced in 2004. Mathison received about $85 million in the divorce settlement and part of any future profit from the films Ford made while the couple was married, including the Indiana Jones Trilogy and The Fugitive.

Source: Forbes and ABC

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

After divorce, you may decide to take some time away from the dating scene, or you may be ready to find your true love, for real this time.

But after some time, weeks or years, you may have decided it’s time to take the big leap into marriage, again.

When preparing for a second wedding, here are some suggestions I would recommend you think about before getting too carried away with your second big day:

Announcing Your Engagement and Wedding:

1. Your children should be the first to know. Depending on how old the children are, you can talk with them about who is going to tell your ex – their other parent.

2. Let your parents and your fiancé’s parents know next.

3. If you child decides he or she doesn’t want to tell your ex-spouse, then it’s up to you to talk to your ex. How you share your big announcement with your spouse will depend on the relationship after the divorce. You may choose to tell your ex-spouse in person, over the phone or write a letter.

4. If you decide to have a party to announce your engagement, don’t expect gifts. Usually, neither the couple’s parents nor the couple hosts an actual engagement party for a second marriage.

5. Much like their first wedding, couples can mail out announcements to their guests, as well as marriage announcements after the wedding to people who weren’t invited. Usually the couple makes the announcement, instead of the parents.

The Wedding:

1. When making your guest list, think about each individual’s comfort level with your new relationship. Not everyone from your first wedding will want to participate in your second. You have the right to invite anyone you want, but you may want to consider not inviting former in-laws or ex-spouses, even if you have a good relationship with them.

2. Plan your wedding the way you want. There are no restrictions on how elaborate, elegant or intimate you make the ceremony. Typically, the couple pays for the wedding, so make sure you are well aware of your budget!

3. You and your spouse may choose to include your children in the ceremony to symbolize the joining of two families. You may need to talk to your ex about including you child in the ceremony to make sure it works out with the parenting plan.

4. First-time brides typically wear the traditional white, but with a second marriage, the bride has more leniency.  Although there’s no rule that says a second-time bride can’t wear white, many second brides may choose to wear a formal dress with some color.

The Reception:

1. Plan the reception the way you want it, but think about your situation when making your choices.

2. You may not expect or want gifts, but as a couple, you should still complete a bridal registry. Even if you already have everything you need, people might want to bring a gift to celebrate the happy occasion. Consider asking for gift cards to restaurants, donations to charities, small electronics, picture frames or gift baskets. You may consider asking for contributions to the honeymoon or your new life together if you don’t feel comfortable registering.

3. Your receiving line may be a little different than your last wedding. Typically, parents don’t stand in the receiving line but your children may join you.

Really, how you choose to celebrate is completely up to you. The most important thing is that you mark your new life with that special someone in a way that is memorable to you.

Weddings and ceremonies are so different these days, that there aren’t many traditions that haven’t been broken; however, second marriages can be a touchy subject for some, so just consider these tips:

1. Don’t have your second wedding in the same location, wear the same dress or use rings from a past relationship.

2. Make your second wedding unique and don’t copy from your first marriage.

3. Keep the focus on you and your new spouse. Don’t bring up either ex.

4. Register for gifts, even if you don’t want them.

5. Celebrate the new love in a way that means something special to you and your new spouse.

6. Include your children if they are willing to participate.

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

JK Divorce Enterance Dance

Many of you remember when Jill and Kevin made waves in the media by posting their wedding dance entrance on YouTube. The couple became an instant hit with the public as they danced up the aisle to “Forever.”

As with other popular events in our culture, Jill and Kevin’s wedding video has been spoofed with the hilarious version of the divorce dance entrance.

Although divorce isn’t easy, this video does try to make light of the fact that many marriages today end in divorce.  And bouncing around to the music is a great way to “shake it off.”

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Country songs are known for spinning a sad song about a love story gone wrong, but there are also some chart toppers about getting back on your feet. These are my top 10 country songs about rebounding from a relationship or divorce:

1. Marry for Money by Trace Adkins

“She was pretty
She was smart
She was witty
Yeah she had charm
Cupid shot me
That’s what got me down the aisle
But that match made in heaven
Went straight to hell
Split up our possessions
Put the house up for sale
And I learned a lesson I won’t be forgetting
The next time around

I’m gonna marry for money”

2. How Am I Doing by Dierks Bentley

“Well, how am I doing since you did, what you’ve done to me
I can’t lie, I sometimes cry, when I think of how it used to be
I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don’t get much sleep
Baby that’s how i’m doing since you did, what you done to me

Well now wait one minute, I failed to mention, those tears I cried are tears of joy
Because it was no fun, there under your thumb, and now that we’re done
I’m getting right, every night, with every single, every loving girl in sight”

3.  Strange by Reba McEntire

“Strange, talk about luck I woke up
And, the sun was shining
Strange, I ought a be in bed with my head
In the pillow cryin over us
But I ain’t, ain’t love
Strange

Got half a mind to spend my whole paycheck
On one of those dresses
Those strapless black ones
That are so famous for teaching lessons
Dropped by his place
Picked up the rest of my things
He’ll tell me I look good
I’ll laugh and say yeah isn’t time

Strange”

4. You Won’t Find This by Carrie Underwood

“Did you check the tires
Put gas in the car
Don’t think you need too much
Cause you ain’t gunna get that far
Did you pack the good times
Don’t forget a map
Just in case the route you take isn’t there to take you back

You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it’s easy at night
But you’ll wake up wondering why
She ain’t ever something better
When you’re lost and you’ve run out of road
Find what I already know
In the end close is all there is
But you won’t find this
No, you won’t find this”

5. Best Days of Your Life by Kelli Pickler

“‘Cus I’ll be there, in the back of your mind
From the day we met ’til you were making me cry
And it’s just too bad, you’ve already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain’t it a shame?
A shame that everytime you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can’t think …straight

And ain’t it sad?
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see?
Or do you wish it was me”

6. Stand Beside Me by Jo Dee Messina

“He left me cryin’ late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You’ve gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs
And I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis, workin’ down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I’m sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I’ll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me”

7. You’ll Think of Me by Keith Urban

“Ever since you found yourself in someone else’s arms
I’ve been tryin’ my best to get along
But that’s OK
There’s nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don’t need’em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you’ll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
‘Cause we got nothin’ left to wheather
In fact I’ll feel a whole lot better
But you’ll think of me, you’ll think of me”

8. Love Don’t Live Here by Lady Antebellum

“Well this heart of mine has been hardened like a stone
It might take some time to get back what is gone
But I’m movin’ on and you don’t haunt my dreams
Like you did before oh when I would curse your name

Well I heard the news that you were back in town
Just passin’ through to claim your lost and found
But I’m over you and there ain’t nothin’ that
You could say or do to take what you did back
Well you got nerve to waltz right in
And think what’s mine is yours again

Cause I’ve been doin’ fine without you
Forgettin’ all the love we once knew
And girl I ain’t the one who slammed that door
But now you say you’ve changed your thinkin’
But I ain’t got a heart for breakin’
So go and pick your bags up off my floor
Oh cause love don’t live here anymore”

9. I’m Moving On by Rascal Flatts

“I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on”

10. A Little Too Late by Toby Keith

“It’s a little too late,
I’m a little too gone,
A little too tired of just hangin’ on
I’m letting go while I’m still strong enough to
It’s got a little too sad,
I’m a little too blue
It’s a little too bad
You were too good to be true
I’m big time over you baby
It’s a little too late

There was a time,
this heart of mine,
would take you back every time
don’t you know
It’s been two packs of cigaretts
a sleepless night
a nervous wreck, a day ago.
Now you ain’t got no business coming around
I’m closing up shop
Shuttin’ us down”

Lyrics from cowboylyrics.com

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Just a cute little story I found while reading the news:

In October Kelly Hildebrandt will marry the man of her dreams: Kelly Hildebrandt.

Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt, 20, and Kelly Carl Hildebrandt, 24, will marry at the Lighthouse Point Yacht & Racquet Club in South Florida. The couple plans to use their middle names on the wedding invitations to avoid confusion.

One night on Facebook, a curious Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt decided to see who else on cyberspace shared her name. The only match was Kelly Hildebrandt, from Texas, and she sent him a message:

“Hi. We had the same name. Thought it was cool.”

The two started e-mailing and the relationship started to develop once Kelly Carl Hildebrandt figured out they weren’t related. After a few months he visited her in Florida and fell in love.

In December of 2008, months after the first message, the couple was engaged.

Although Kelly Katrina won’t have to worry about changing her last name, there have been some problems with sharing the same name.  A travel agent deleted one of the couple’s tickets for a cruise because it was thought to be duplicate information.

“We’re definitely not going to name our kids Kelly,” said Kelly Katrina Hildebrandt.

Source: The Chicago Tribune

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

I’ve always heard that couples who live together before getting married are doomed for divorce.

When I was younger, I thought that was just my mom’s way of scaring me in tradition. The idea of her daughter living with a man before she was married only meant two things: I was living in sin and I was going to get pregnant.

However, I later found out there have been multiple studies done on cohabitating couples and marital status. In fact, a study was recently published in the Journal of Family Psychology showing that couples living together before engagement and marriage are more likely to get divorced than those who wait. The study also showed that couples living together before engagement reported a lower satisfaction in their marriage.

While I think these studies may have some legitimate findings, I think the public uses them incorrectly. The biggest thing to pay attention to in these findings is why the couples choose to live together.

“We think that some couples who move in together without a clear commitment to marriage may wind up sliding into marriage partly because they are already cohabiting,” said Dr. Galena Rhoades, senior researcher for the Center for Marital and Family Studies in the Psychology Department.

Rhoades also led a related study that focused on the reasons why couples chose to live together. The statistics reveal that almost 70% of US couples now cohabitate before marriage. The research team found that about 60% of those couples chose to live together to spend more time with each other, 19% said because it made sense financially and 14% said they were testing the relationship.

“Cohabiting to test a relationship turns out to be associated with the most problems in relationships,” Rhoades said. “Perhaps if a person is feeling a need to test the relationship, he or she already knows some important information about how a relationship may go over time.”

What’s considered appropriate has certainly changed, and I don’t think there is a problem with couples choosing to live together before marriage. Like the researchers pointed out, it is best to make sure both people are on the same page about where the relationship is going before taking that next big step.  Cohabitating before marriage isn’t soley the reason you should kiss your relationship goodbye. Living with somone who doesn’t share similar goals and dreams or moving in together for the wrong reasons is a big reason why your marriage might end in divorce. Communication is key!

Source: Story about survey found on lifesitenews.com

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved