Debbie Does Divorce

Researchers from Australian National University recently released a survey that showed it takes a lot more than love to keep a marriage together.

In the survey titled “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” approximately 2,500 couples were tracked from 2001 to 2007. The suvey compares those that stayed together with those that were divorced or separated.

Does your marriage have what it takes?

The Findings:

1. A husband nine or more years older than a wife is twice as likely to divorce.

2. Men married before turning 25 are also twice more likely to divorce.

3. Of couples with children before marriage, 20% have separated, where only 9% of couples without children born before marriage separated.

4. If women want children much more than the man, the likelihood for divorce is greater.

5. Only 10% of couples with parents who didn’t separate ended up divorcing, whereas 16% of couples with divorced or separated parents ended up getting divorced.

6. Men or women in their second or third marriage are 90% more likely to separate than when both spouses are in a first marriage.

7. Respondents who said they were poor or the husband was unemployed showed a 16% divorce rate, but only 9% of couples with health finances divorced.

8. Couples where only one partner smokes were more likely to have a failed relationship.

The survey also showed that the number and age of children born to a married couple, wife’s employment and number of years a couple is employed doesn’t affect the likelihood of separation or divorce.

Study by: Dr. Rebecca Kippen, The Australian National University; Prof. Bruce Chapman, Australian National University; and Dr. Peng Yu, Department of Families, Housing Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

After filing divorce, you may have mixed feelings about living with a significant other again. The divorce may have left you jaded and ready to just spend some time focusing on yourself, career and kids.

But after the divorce is finalized, you may feel like the right person is out there for you, and now you know, it will take some time to find. After being set up on blind dates, suffering through dry dinner conversation and taking a stab at online dating, you think you have finally found some one worth it. You are considering the next big step: moving in.

What can you do to make sure this time is different?

1. Stop Right There - Don’t compare what you did or didn’t have in the past with what you’ve got now. Things will be different: There will be new habits to adjust to, serious discussions to have and ways to adapt to each other. Your new living partner doesn’t want to hear about how your last significant other did something – wrong or right. You may find some of the habits your new significant other has are similar to habits that drove you nuts in the past. Remember, this is a new relationship, and you will have to work through these issues again.

2. Communicate – There may have been many issues in your past marriage, but most likely one of the biggest reasons for your divorce is because there was a lack of communication. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Be open with your new partner about what you want. He or she can’t guess that you don’t like the chair under the window because then the dog spends the whole day barking at the neighbors. By the time you got through your divorce, communication might have been tense between you and your ex about family matters, but this is a new relationship where you can discuss important topics openly.

3. Be Accepting – Each one of you has possessions the other one wouldn’t pick out for themselves. Your new significant other may hate the pink bathroom towels as much as you don’t care for his orange couch. Or you may not be as crazy about her furry pillows, while she doesn’t like your framed pictures of Brett Favre. But it’s time to compromise and work with each other to figure out what you can live with and what simply must go. Understand that if you want to get rid of his collection of beer posters, you will need to be willing to give up that purple shag rug.

4. Respect Each Other – The fighting over the home is over. You’re divorce was finalized a long time ago. You and your new significant other should work with each other to talk about what’s really important. You will not agree on everything but you can give the other person time to express how he or she feels and acknowledge they have a valid point.

5. Proceed with Caution – You may know that you are really in love this time, but it’s a good idea to take the time to be sure. As you both continue to grow and learn as a couple, you will find new and “interesting” quirks about each other. It’s hard to slow down when you feel the rush of a new love, but it’s even harder to say goodbye. Make sure you both know where you stand about important issues before you jump in head first.

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Recently a woman submitted a question to Dr. Gail Saltz, a contributor to TODAYShow.com, asking how to talk about signing a prenup with her boyfriend.  The woman was unsure about asking for a prenup because she was afraid it had a hidden message that she felt the marriage wouldn’t last.

When I typically think about a prenup, I get the visual of a very young woman or man suducing an older lady or gentleman into a marriage that ends with an ugly divorce. Although he or she didn’t earn it, the younger companion gets half of everything – maybe even making out like a bandit.

But as the divorce rate has grown over the years, prenuptial agreements are becoming something you don’t want to be without.  A premarital agreement can do much more than protect your money. If you are considering having children together or own a family business, a prenuptail agreement can help protect your interests in the future.

If your soon-to-be spouse is asking you to sign a prenup or you are considering arranging one, it may help if you consider another viewpoint about what a prenup means. The meaning behing the agreement has evolved, so the way we factor prenups into our lives.

A prenuptial agreement is a plan of attack in case something happens. We do so much preparation for emergencies in our lives – how should this be any different? We write wills even when we don’t plan on passing anytime soon. We buy home and car insurance even though nothing has happened to our car or home.

Prenuptial agreements can actually help protect yourself, even if you are the one with less money or assets. CNNMoney.com featured an article about the way prenups can give you an advantage:

• Learn to be honest and communicate about finances
• Establish net worth for yourself
• Protect yourself from state law with a valid agreement

Discussing a prenup may be hard, but if you are going to commit to spending the rest of your life with a person, you will need to talk about difficult topics like chilren, religion and finances. And remember, a prenuptial agreement is a benefit for both of you.

If you and your spouse agree to get a prenup, it’s a good idea to get lgel representation to make sure the agreement is valid and in the best interest (for the most part) of both spouses.  A lawyer familiar with divorce and family laws will be able to advice you on what to include in your prenuptial agreement.

Looking to get in touch with a family law attorney to ask some questions? Connect today with a lawyer near you for help with prenuptial agreements.

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

This week, the headlines have beared the bad news of two more little boys who lost their lives. It’s sad to hear when children die before they have even had the chance to live, but it’s even sadder to hear these two boys died at the hands of their father.

In the beginning of March, Duncan and Jack Connolly, ages 7 and 9, were reported missing. After spending some time with their father, Michael Connolly, they had not been dropped of Sunday, March 8.

After a month of pleading for the boys safe return and searching for the two boys, their bodies were discovered in Putnam County. It was not disclosed how the boys were killed, but the investigators are saying Michael killed the boys and then hung himself a few yards away.

The boys mother, Amy Leitchenberg, says the court system failed her two little ones. In 2006, Leitchenberg left Connolly and found refuge at a domestic violence shelter. Connolly was reported as abusive, which was documented in court several times.

The judge wanted Connolly to get a job, find a home and stop harrassing his ex-wife. When Connolly did, he was granted with unsupervised visits with Jack and Duncan, despite his history of threatening to cut open his wife, violating the order of protection taken out against him 57 times and concerns expressed about his erratic behavoir by a visitation supervisor.

Did our child custody laws fail these boys? Most state courts favor the idea of children having a relationship with both parents. If joint child custody is possible, the court will grant it. From there, it is up to the parents to work it out. But what happens if your spouse is just playing the system?

Despite Connolly’s past, he had Illinois divorce law on his side. Any parent without child custody is granted reasonable visitation rights, unless it’s felt that visitation would endanger the child. However, to prove that your child may be in danger, the custodial parent has a high burden of proof. Critics of the law are saying the law doesn’t really protect children from abusers.

I support the idea of both parents having an active role in their children’s lives, but I think the system failed Leitchenberg and her two sons. It’s hard to believe that a man with that much of a past was granted unsupervised visits with his sons. There are instances where people make improvements in their lives, but was nine months of “playing by the rule” enough proof that Connolly wasn’t a danger to his sons’ lives? I don’t think so.

To learn more about the Connolly case, check out the article in The Chicago Tribune. Does child custody laws need reformed? Have you felt like the law failed you? How do you think we should restructure our laws to better protect our children?

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

It’s just another area where the economic crisis ahs taken it’s toll: child support. As more parents take hits from layoffs, reduced benefits or cut back of hours, divorce courts have noticed more people petitioning to modify child support.

In Illinois’ Kane County, the Assistant States Attorney, Marzenia Vandeburgt, noted that a majority of the petitions to modify child support are granted in situations where the parent has lost a job and is receiving unemployement.

Here’s the catch-22: When a parent has lost their job, obviously they have their own bills to continue to pay, but should child support be what they default on? We owe it to our children to support them in a lifestyle they would have enjoyed before the divorce. Is there a legitimate argument for defaulting on child support payments, or is it just a nice option for some people when times are tough?

Share your thoughts: Do you think non-custodial parents have a legitimate reason to skip payments? Or, do you feel custodial parents are pushing for too much money when the economy is already tough enough?

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Yesterday the New Hampshire House approved a bill to legalize same-sex marriage. The New York Times reported that the bill was passed by close vote of 186 to 179.  The bill must still pass the State Senate and signed by Gov. John Lynch. Civil unions between same-sex couples was made legal last year, but the state has not been as successful at getting same-sex marriage legalized.

New Hampshire’s next door neighbor, Vermont, also is considering same-sex marriage. Last Friday, the State Senate approved the bill. The House is set to hear the same-sex marriage bill next week; however, the Gov. Jim Douglas has already announced his intentions of vetoing the bill if it reaches his desk. Although Vermont was the first state to legalize same-sex civil unions in 2000, the same-sex marriage bill doesn’t have as many supporters.

As I have spent a lot of time reading family law and divorce, I’m still not sure what to make of same-sex marriage. We have never been a country to limit a person’s rights to pursue whatever makes them happy. Is same-sex marriage really dangerous to our government and country? Yet, I understand the strong opposition because the marriage is not recognized by the Church.

Please respectfully share your thoughts: Same-sex marriage – why do you support or disapprove of it?

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

We’ve all seen the headlines of celebrities, or more often people that lucked into marrying a celebrity, demanding more money. How can one be expected to live on less than a million a year?

One of the big celebrity story making waves is the divorce between Countess Marie Douglas-David and former United Technologies CEO George David. In 2005, the couple signed a prenuptial agreement saying that gave Douglas-David $38 million in cahs, stock and a Park Avenue apartment. Douglas-David is asking the judge to throw out the order because she says she was coerced into it.

The Swedish countess is says she cannot afford to live on that amount but needs $100 million. Now, before you start to pick  your jaw back up off the ground, the countess also says that she needs $130,000 a month in alimony. David is estimated to be worth $329 million.

You have to begin to wonder if these outrageous demands are beginning to make alimony payments look like a joke, but when you have that much money to being with, is Douglas-David’s request reasonable?

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved

Welcome to my divorce survival guide! You may recognize me from an array of social media sites that I signed up for. Social media is a great place to talk with people from all over about what’s going on, but I decided to start my own blog to work more with the divorce community.

There’s a lot of divorce support out there on the Web, and I’m under the belief, the more, the better! Divorce is one of the most significant experiences you will go through. Some people find it easy to cope and are glad to out of an unhappy marriage. Others miss the relationship they left behind and need the support of many to work through the process. Whether you chose to deal with your divorce privately or publicly, I hope you find what I write about helpful.

As the resident divorce writer for Total Attorneys, I felt it was important for us to add some personality to the company. If you are going through something as personal as a divorce, you want to connect with a person. Not only do I want to provide insightful, helpful, touching or even humorous posts, I hope that you can help me be telling me what we can do better. If you are looking up divorce, what do you ultimately want to find?

Copyright © 2009 TotalDivorce, Inc. (as licensee). All rights reserved