How to Broach Divorce with Your Spouse
Once you've decided that you're ready to end your marriage, you face the obstacle of broaching the subject of divorce with your spouse - which can be a daunting task. But, according to experts who have appeared on NBC's Today, working toward a "healthy divorce" is as important as working toward a healthy marriage.
So what does that mean?
Well, you can't predict how your spouse will react to your suggestion of divorce - anger, resentment, sadness, resistance, agreement - any combination of emotions can be evoked by the word "divorce." What you can do is approach the discussion in such a way that the two of you come out of it with as little emotional damage as possible. Here are some pointers.
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Behaviors to Target When Suggesting Divorce
- Acknowledge Your Contributions: Laying blame on your spouse will likely put him or her on the defensive. The old expression "it takes two to tango" applies here: admit that you haven't been a saint either and that you're both at fault here.
- Listen: To make sure you're communicating your feelings clearly with your spouse, listen to his or her reaction to your proposal. If it seems that you haven't gotten the message across (i.e. if your spouse thinks you've been talked out of beginning divorce proceedings), reinforce your main point.
- Consider Your Spouse's Feelings: Divorce can bring up a bevy of emotional responses - pretending that it won't may be counterproductive. Acknowledge your spouse's reactions (whatever they may be) with respect, but maintain your position.
- Think Like a Businessperson: You probably don't fly off the handle when people at the office get your goat, so go into this discussion with a workplace mentality. Eliminating as much negative energy as possible will help minimize the divorce fallout for you and your family.
- Do Your Homework: Going through a divorce involves more than just calling it quits with your spouse - you have to think about who's going to move out (and to where), where the kids will live, what you'll do with your bank and credit accounts and more. This is related to the next point.
- Consult with a Lawyer: You likely aren't familiar with your state's divorce laws, child custody trends in your area or even how to legally begin the divorce process. Learning the basics from a divorce attorney allows you to go into the conversation with a better idea of where you and your family are headed
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Doing background research can also help you maintain a businesslike tone when you and your spouse discuss divorce. Rather than focusing on the nebulous emotional aspects of the end of a marriage, you can focus on concrete issues like planning a timeline and rearranging the living situation.
- Protect Yourself: If your marriage has a history of violence or aggression, have this conversation in public to protect yourself from any potential outbreaks.
Divorce Differences in Men & Women
A recent study from Denver University found that men tend to focus more on day-to-day negativity when considering a divorce, whereas women tend to focus more on the overall quality of the marital bond. This could mean that one partner feels that the marriage is on fairly solid footing, while the other believes it's ready to end.
Recognize that you and your spouse may differ in your viewpoints, and be ready to listen and discuss.
Divorce can be a difficult time for the entire family, but with the help of your divorce lawyer and the resources at Total Divorce, you can get through it!
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