Single Motherhood after Divorce
The effects of divorce are far-reaching and can impact every facet of life for years to come. There are usually significant financial changes after a divorce along with the emotional burden and the stress of starting many parts of your life over following divorce.
If children are involved, they are also thrust into new situations and must often live without one of their parents in the household for the first time in their lives. For moms who have primary custody of children, there are often many adjustments that must be made in the interest of everyone's wellbeing.Legally Divorced, Yet Still Connected
After divorce, some single moms may have an identity crisis combined with feelings of loss, disappointment and frustration. Single mothers often feel as though they can not make a clean emotional break from the marriage because they must still come in frequent contact with their ex-husbands and often even have the same arguments with them as they did when married. After a divorce, mothers may often feel as though they are no longer a person but a label such as "ex-wife" or "single mom" instead of simply becoming an independent divorced woman with children.
Divorce and Depression
Depression may be an issue for some single moms after divorce. Some divorced mothers may feel guilt about a failed marriage and may also suffer from low self esteem, especially after a particularly rough or painful divorce. Especially in cases in which the fighting between parents continues well after the divorce, single mothers may be worn thin and feel defeated. Overcoming depression after divorce can be a complex and sometimes lengthy process, but it must be addressed in order for mothers to recover and continue to effectively parent children on their own.
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Separate Lives, Same Parenting
In order for divorced parents to each play a role in raising happy, healthy children, there must be open communication. However, this does not mean that single mothers must remain emotionally attached to their ex-husbands. Single mothers must create a lifestyle that allows for emotional independence as well as healthy dialog with their ex-husbands regarding the children.
Absent Fathers and Disappointed Children
Despite a single mother's best efforts and intentions, in some situations when the divorce is final, the ex-husband and father takes a hike and is seldom or never heard from again. This can be particularly hurtful and disappointing to children and extremely frustrating to a single mother. Aside from problems with collecting child support payments to financially assist with raising the children and being forced to go it alone financially, single moms in such situations must help their children cope with an absentee dad. This can be extremely difficult in the best of circumstances, but almost impossible if a single mom is also suffering from depression and has not sought treatment.
Tips for Single Moms after Divorce
Single moms are urged to protect the children by keeping them out of all communications with an ex-husband. Children should not be allowed or expected to deliver messages between their parents, nor should they have to listen to any arguments.
Divorced mothers must remember that they are divorced and should no longer rely on their ex-husbands for advice or emotional support. It is typically best that personal issues should not be discussed with an ex-husband, no matter how friendly or amicable the divorce was, and that single mothers should avoid any emotional entanglements with their ex-husbands and keep the contact short and sweet. Discussions between divorced parents should focus on the children and not stray into personal areas that are now separate.
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Life coach Shelley Stile recommends that during and after a divorce, single mothers should insist that they are spoken to by their children's fathers in a calm and respectful manner or not at all. Any phone conversations that escalate into shouting matches should be terminated immediately. If at all possible, single moms and dads should make a pact to only communicate if and when they can keep matters civil.
At times when there is tension and conflict, divorced parents can decide to communicate as adults in writing if a reasonable phone conversation is not possible.
Child support is ordered by the court in order to provide support for the children. It is not a gift, a luxury or a bonus for single mothers. Children of divorced parents are entitled to support from both parties and single mothers should not feel guilt or remorse for accepting court ordered child support payments.
In some cases, divorced fathers who are ordered to pay child support may attempt to shame or pressure single mothers about child support issues and these emotional traps should be avoided. If a father is ordered by a family court judge to pay child support, that is his obligation and the mother should not be concerned about how he will come up with the money or if it will cut into his spare change.
Child support is calculated using a complex formula and guidelines that consider the income and financial obligations of both parents and ordered accordingly. Single mothers should realize that this is not within their control and therefore refuse to discuss or argue about child support payments or child support enforcement with their ex-husbands.
It Is Not Easy Being Mom
Single moms often have to be the "bad guy" to their children. When the custodial parent, mothers are often the one to enforce bed times and curfews, make sure homework is done, rooms are cleaned and that every other rule is followed. When money is tight or child support payments don't come in on time or at all, it's the single mom that has to say "no, we can't afford it" and try to provide for their children as best they can on their own. Single moms have to deal with their children's hurt feelings when dads show up hours late or not at all for scheduled child visitation, all without speaking badly of the ex who may be breaking their children's hearts over and over again.
No one would ever say that being a single mom is easy. However, as many challenges as there may be to raise children in a single parent household, the rewards are also great. Single mothers can take great pride in knowing that not only are they raising their children on their own after a divorce, but that they are working hard to raise great children who have all the potential to grow into secure, successful and happy adults.