Breaking the News: How to Tell Your Kids about Your Divorce
One of the trickiest parts of going through a divorce is breaking the news to your kids. No matter how you do it, they're going to experience some emotional turmoil - after all, all major life changes have such effects. But there are steps you can take to minimize the negative impact your divorce has on your children.
Before You Tell Your Kids
Before you tell your children that you and your spouse have decided to end your marriage, experts with NBC news affiliates suggest working out a plan of action with your spouse. That way, you can decide when, where and how to tell them as a team, which means that neither spouse can stir resentment by breaking the news too soon.
Once you've discussed the discussion, so to speak, it's time to tell your offspring. This won't be easy, but here are some tips to help you help your kids accept this difficult situation.
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Tips for Talking Divorce with the Kids
- Do it together: Unless it's likely that you and your spouse will erupt into fighting when telling your kids about your divorce, presenting the news as a team has several advantages. It sends the message that you've made the decision calmly and that divorce is the best thing for the whole family. Some experts believe that it also sends a positive message about the future.
- Know the basics: Kids are less likely to be overwhelmed by the news if you can tell them how their everyday life will be affected. This means that you'll have to have an idea of what the new living situation will be, what custody arrangements will look like and how your child's school routine will change before you have the conversation.
- Use the right lingo: Younger kids may not understand "divorce," "custody," or "separation." Explain the divorce in terms that your children can understand (e.g. you and your spouse are going to live in different houses so you can stop fighting and take better care of your children).
- Be honest... Don't give your kids false hope, even if it may seem easier in the short term. Lying about the significance of divorce - or any new arrangements - will likely come back to haunt you.
- ...but not too honest: However, sharing all the seamy details and reasons for your divorce will only hurt your children. No matter how tempted you may be to let your kids know what your spouse did, resist the urge to tattle. In the long run, such information will only hurt your kids.
- Focus on what won't change: Reassure your kids by telling them what parts of their lives will stay the same. Emphasizing constants can help kids navigate the divorce process.
- Watch & listen: Your kids could have any number of reactions - and probably will, at some point. Listen to their questions and concerns, watch them for signs of upset and generally let them know that you're there for them and want to help them through the divorce.
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Remember, too, to listen for the "real" questions you're kids are asking. They may be too embarrassed to ask if you'll still love them the same or if the divorce was their fault, so it may be up to you to assure them about such matters.
- Don't alienate your kids: Sharing negative details about your ex-spouse with your children is never a good idea. Resist the temptation to justify yourself or get the kids on your side by revealing unpleasant facts about your ex.
For More Suggestions
If you've been seeing a marriage counselor, consider asking him or her about breaking the news of divorce to your children. If not, you may want to consult with the guidance counselor at your children's school before the big talk or buy a parenting book that focuses on issues of divorce.
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